Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Natty or not?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
They also CAN sing✌️
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media