me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.