I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
scared to check what name she chose
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment