“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The point of your 20s
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great