If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water