11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.