one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.