*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.