wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
You Might Also Like
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
“and how does that make you feel?”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.