*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with