him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.