I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.