drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus