Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
You Might Also Like
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks