Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?