Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!