No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month