How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.