Happy Caturday!
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.