hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*