trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.