DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’ll be mad as hell!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good