When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
When you’ve simply given up.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume