I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice