him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!