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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.