“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!