You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Anime is real
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.