The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Hitlers gonna hitl