we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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Hard not to take this personally
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Bring back the McRib
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.