If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Close call…
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen