I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]