Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️