“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth