‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If looks could kill
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The asteroid..
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane