Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
🙀🙀🙀😹
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.