God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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Your secret is safeish with me
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass