I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.