why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.