I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that