[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You Might Also Like
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.