We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Erm…
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.