Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You Might Also Like
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.