Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When I laugh on my period
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?