me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Camping tip: No.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM