Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Yes my dude
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.