I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
You Might Also Like
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
DOOO EEEET
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent