me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO