A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!