Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy